How to become a 100% dilliwalah (Suggestion No 1)

Of course a lot of people ask me - what makes a dilliwalah? Or better still - how do you become a dilliwalah? So here goes...

The first thing you need to become a dilliwalah is to GET A CAR. And not one of those small 800s. You need a big mean one (SUVs preferred). Once you've got the top of the line version - power windows, child lock - (used by the kids to lock their grandparents at the back), back window wiper - drive down to the nearest car accessory market. For the upmarket guys this is Khan Market. For the rest it is Karol Bagh.

Then you proceed to transform the car. First come the leather seats. So that it is impossible for anyone to sit in your car for more than 10 minutes without his back becoming a river of sweat. Then the extra large speakers that can rock the shit out of the security guys at the PMO every time you ride past that place.

Now come the stickers. A cricket ball crashing into a window, a child looking from the back window or a knife stuck into the side of the car dripping in blood - you know what i am talking about. Of course then its the wheels. If you buy a new set make sure it is as expensive as the car itself.

Finally, don't forget the fake American number plate with NORTH CAROLINA or LONE STAR printed on it. When the police pull you over, you can always pretend (remember the accent) that you just came back to Delhi and haven't had the time to change the plates.